Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide

NEW YORK—A recent spate of diplomatic conflicts around the globe has been linked to the hiring of an attractive tour guide by the United Nations, sources at the international organization's headquarters reported Monday.
Enlarge Image Tour Guide

Rachel Proxmire, an attractive blonde with a nice smile, has caused an estimated six civil wars.

Distractions caused by the cute, perky guide, 23-year-old Northwestern University graduate Rachel Proxmire, have been blamed for escalating tensions between Turkey and Armenia, Israel and Jordan, and the United States and North Korea, as well as for civil unrest in Honduras, Iran, and China.

"It's embarrassing," Turkish diplomat Hamit Ozan said. "One minute, I'm calmly explaining to the General Assembly our position on the alleged Armenian genocide, and the next, I see Rachel come in with a tour group and I get all flustered trying to think of something to say to get her to notice me. Before I know it, I've inadvertently acknowledged crimes my country has been denying for decades, and it's all over the news."

Added Ozan, "God, she's so pretty."

In March of this year, when Proxmire began her employment with the U.N., officials at the organization immediately noticed a lightened mood in the assembly hall, with many delegates smiling more and humming contentedly to themselves. Within a few weeks, though, the number and intensity of geopolitical disputes began to increase.
Enlarge Image International Disputes

"She was…wow," Saudi delegate Ahmad Khouri said. "The first time I saw her, I was in the middle of speaking out on the deplorable treatment of the Palestinian people, and suddenly she caught my eye. I just completely lost my train of thought. She has that creamy, smooth skin—and that laugh! It's like music."

Perhaps most significantly, North Korea's increasingly hostile global relations have been traced to the tour guide, who was wearing a skirt when the Security Council placed sanctions on the country for a nuclear test it carried out in May.

"The North Korean representative was so busy staring at her that he just nodded in agreement when the council condemned his nation's weapons program and voted to freeze its assets," Eritrean diplomat Berihu Alazar said. "Then the guys from South Korea and Japan started razzing him about it, trying to look cool in front of her. He turned bright red all of a sudden and threatened to wipe everybody off the face of the earth."

"Whatever. Like any of those losers have a chance with Rachel," Alazar continued.

Proxmire's influence on international policy has not been entirely negative. In April, when it came to light that she was concerned about global warming, seven separate resolutions to limit carbon emissions were passed by an overwhelming majority. And earlier this month, delegates from all nations strengthened their ties by working jointly on an initiative to surprise the spritely blonde with cupcakes on her birthday.

"I'm completely smitten," said U.S. delegate Tony Gilbertson, smiling as he turned his gaze toward Proxmire. "I'd do anything for her."

Gilbertson later missed a crucial vote on a resolution that would have allowed the U.S. military to pursue Taliban militants into Pakistan, because he was in his office practicing the song he wrote for Rachel on his acoustic guitar.

According to U.N. sources, no diplomat has spoken directly with Proxmire at any length. The closest contact reportedly occurred when the French delegate asked her if he could borrow a pen, then ran away before she could respond.

"This is preposterous," Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said. "The member nations of this organization send their representatives here to make the world a better, safer place. We can no longer endure the consequences of…oh God, there she is! How do I look? How do I look?"

At press time, Proxmire remained oblivious to the worldwide discord she was sowing.

"Everyone here is so nice," she said. "They may be too busy to talk, but they'll go out of their way to hold the door for me, even if they have to run across the room. And if someone on the tour has a question I can't answer, there are usually a few delegates tagging along who are eager to chime in."

"All my friends wish they had this job," Proxmire added. "Even my boyfriend thinks it's cool, and he's a musician in this really awesome indie rock band."

Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.

"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."

"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute."

According to the bipartisan plan, the proposed monument will be built precariously over a Washington freeway overpass, and will require as many as 30 years of grueling labor to complete. As a representation of humanity's failure to learn from past mistakes, the project is being designed by the architecture firm of Ganz & Weiss, best known for their work on a series of dangerously constructed St. Louis public housing projects that were condemned in the late 1990s.
Enlarge Image Folly Map

"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH) said of the monument, which he claimed would eventually sink into the federally protected wetlands that surround it. "Not only will it be an aesthetic disaster, but it will also require constant, expensive maintenance just to ensure that the whole foundation doesn't topple suddenly and kill hundreds of innocent people."

The lead architect on the project, Robert Wheeler, told reporters that the monument would be a stirring testament to more than 200,000 years of arrogance, idiocy, and waste. He also confirmed that no fewer than eight different blueprint designs would be clumsily patched together in order to preserve the spirit of indecision and gross incompetence with which mankind has approached the vast majority of its endeavors.

"The face of the building will be covered with recently excavated sections of the Titanic, as well as several faulty pressure valves from the Chernobyl power plant and hundreds of uranium-tipped shell casings from the first Gulf War," said Wheeler, whose design calls for the monument to be surrounded by dozens of oil derricks pumping night and day into bare dirt. "But the most exciting feature of the memorial, in my opinion, is the giant glowing orb at the top that will symbolize humanity's needless overuse of energy and will itself use a staggering 12 gigawatts of power per second."

According to sources, thousands of poorly paid migrant laborers will carry out construction on the monument, digging straight through underground power lines and gas mains in order to clear a space for the soon-to-be dilapidated foundation. In addition, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency confirmed Monday that the construction zone has already been designated as a highly toxic Superfund site, setting the entire project three months behind schedule.

"So far we've spent $40 billion and lost a total of 300 or so construction workers, and we haven't even put in a full day's work," said project manager Tom Matthiessen. "It's been a challenge, but knowing that we're doing this to commemorate the countless lives and resources squandered by human beings throughout history makes it all worthwhile."

Added Matthiessen, "At this rate, I'd say the whole project should be a total, top-to-bottom nightmare by late December."

Although a vast majority of legislators supported the $500 billion bill, a few dissenting voices claimed that the project is an improper use of congressional funds.

"While I am all for paying homage to mankind's tragic legacy of imprudence, surely there are more appropriate ways to do so than this," Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN) said. "Why can't we simply give the money back to the taxpayers so they can waste it all on bad investments, botched plastic surgery, and misguided real estate deals? Wouldn't that be a more suitable way of recognizing the complete inanity of our pathetic existence?"

At press time, Congress, and all of humanity itself, was trapped in a self-perpetuating loop of failure that is expected to continue until the inevitable extinction of the human species

Don't wait around to Purchase Car Insurance

Are you thinking about purchasing a car insurance policy? If so, you do not want to wait around too long. The longer you wait the more issues you are going to face. Instead, you should jump ahead of the process and get moving as soon as possible. When you wait you could find yourself thinking about too much. In turn, this will stop you from ever moving forward and making a purchase.
Why do some people wait so long? There are many reasons for this with one of the most common being that they do not know what to do next. In other words, they want to buy car insurance but have no idea on how to make this happen. Believe it or not, things don't have to be so difficult.

If you use the internet you can speed things up. This does not mean that you have to rush. It just means that waiting around is no longer something that you have to do. The internet is the best way to move, move, move. You can find information on a number of car insurance companies, while also taking the time to receive quotes. As you collect information it becomes obvious as to what you should be doing next.

If you need car insurance you never want to wait around. It is illegal to drive in the United States without a policy. Don't risk it. Buy quality car insurance today so you can forget about your worries tomorrow.

Home Remedy: The Effective Acid Reflux Diet

Acid reflux disease is a condition in which the stomach acids abnormally reflux into the esophagus. This phenomenon is irregularly experienced by most people, most especially after eating.
Our body uses gastric and stomach acids to break down the food that we eat. Normally, after the digestion in the stomach, the food is delivered by the digestive muscles to the intestines for extra digestion. But in patients who have acid reflux disease, the acidic stomach contents are moved back to the esophagus, which then causes inflammation. Cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, pregnancy, and fatty foods are some factors which worsens acid reflux conditions.

Are you fond of eating junk food, protein-rich food and processed foods? If you do, well, this is bad news for you. You are certainly a candidate for an acid reflux problem in your stomach and esophagus.

Acid reflux is a condition that is a prelude to ulcer. It is caused by a disturbance in the acid-alkaline condition in the stomach.

Eating specific acid foods that are hard to digest induces stomach spasms or twitching which causes the cardiac sphincter, opening between the esophagus and stomach to open for gases to form that should not. This is an indigestion problem that has gotten out of hand and created acid wastes to flow up to your esophagus causing an irritation. This irritation, if not controlled can result to ulcers and other infections. The acid reflux diet that you have been eating should now be changed.

Once you have the symptoms of acid reflux, you need not resort to medications at once to cure the problem. You can start with home remedies that are surely less expensive.

You may start with changing your diet. You have to say goodbye to the following food and beverages: tea, coffee, radishes, garlic, onion, spices (pepper), oils, alcohol, sugar, soft drinks, diet soft drinks, asparagus (Brussels sprouts), high protein foods, pasta noodles, corn starch, eggs, plums, prunes, cranberries, and all processed foods including junk foods. Now, you may want to cry. All your comfort foods are gone.

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If you think, you cannot abruptly eliminate them in your diet; start with taking just small amounts. Then start substituting them with the following: fruits, citric fruits in small amounts though due to their acidic content, all kinds of vegetables and almonds. If you feel that you are not feeling the acid reflux symptoms anymore, you may go back to your previous diet in moderation though to prevent recurrence of the acid reflux.

Aside from proper diet, there are practical home remedies to avoid the acid reflux symptom. They are: · Avoid smoking before or during meals. · Eat in an upright sitting position. · Do not lie on the bed immediately after eating. · Take small walks after eating. It stimulates the digestive system. · Avoid exercise after a large meal. · Avoid wearing tight clothes. · Do not drink alcohol while eating. · Chew food slowly and thoroughly.

One of the home remedies for treating acid reflux is the ginger alternative. Ingesting ginger with a meal helps to reduce an upset stomach. The ginger is grounded and added to foods and taken in tea or capsule form. Most herbalists recommend consuming 500mg. of ginger with a full glass of water after meals.

We are often told by our physicians to drink more water, if possible at least 8 glasses each day. The water helps eliminate body toxins and allow the body to expel acid naturally.

Green tea has been used for centuries in Japan and other oriental countries as an after dinner drink. Green teas assist the body in the digestion process, and help soothe the stomach's sensitive tissue.

Herbal teas containing peppermint, chamomile, ginger, licorice root and catnip even in just small traces help the stomach lining repair itself. Often, one cup of tea following dinner is enough to reduce future acid reflux symptoms.

Acid reflux disease can last for several months if not given proper medical attention. Drug treatment may only be required for a short time. But when the symptoms tend to repetitively occur, the drug treatment may have to be reapplied.

HOLIDAY SUPRISES

The holiday season can be filled with many warmhearted memories as families gather with their loved ones to celebrate the season. As family members travel near and far returning home to their loved ones they may find the familiar household that was once kept meticulously clean and orderly, in disarray and dirty. They may notice unopened mail stacked on the table, moldy food in the refrigerator, or their loved one's personal hygiene declining.
As people age or become ill, there are some considerations and competencies that family members should assess, to determine if it might be appropriate to take a more active role in a loved one's life. Most people that face health-related challenges or limitations will not ask for help, as they tend to place a high value on their privacy and independence. Most people do not want to be a burden on their family and friends.

Regardless of whether a health-related concern is due to aging, illness, injury or incapacity, the fact remains, an overwhelming majority of people simply do not know when to take a more active role in a loved one's life. The following is a list of 10 areas for family members to review if they have concerns about their loved one's ability to care for themselves:

MEDICAL CONCERNS - Has your loved one been diagnosed with a disease, illness or injury that could impact their daily living? How will this life changing concern affect their quality of life?

DRIVING - Is your loved one's driving habits placing them at risk? Are there any unexplained dents and paint scratches on their vehicle? How are their reflexes, vision and ability to respond in an unexpected situation?

FOOD / NUTRITION - Are they eating a healthy, balanced meal? Has there been a noticeable weight loss? Can they manage their grocery shopping? Is the food in the refrigerator consumable?

HYGIENE - Is there a noticeable smell or body odor? How is their overall appearance, grooming and ability to match clothing?

BEHAVIOR - Does your loved one seem anxious or irritable? Do they seem depressed, or uncomfortable away from home? Is there a memory loss concern?

DAILY TASKS - How do they handle daily tasks such as household duties, cleaning, cooking, laundry?

MEDICATIONS - Are they able to manage their own medications including dosage, frequency and prescription changes? Do they understand why they are taking certain medications?

FINANCES - Have there been additional late payment fees, cancellation notices, or bills left unpaid? Can they manage and reconcile their checkbooks?

MAIL - Is the mail stacking up? Does it appear that they are being targeted for solicitation offers?

SAFETY - Do they keep doors and windows locked? Are they careful with items such as candles and cigarettes? Are they in need of assistive devices such as, a shower chair, a toilet riser, or grab handles in the bathroom?

If you have concerns, talk with, not to, your loved one in a casual and non-threatening way. Conversations should reflect a sincere concern for their welfare and a willingness to work together. Let them know that you respect their desire for independence, yet want them to enjoy a meaningful life without being at risk.